As Yet Untitled Baywatch Novel © 2003 Adam Altman
Part One: A Little Diamond Heist and a
The sun
rose on another perfect southern
As it was,
however, at
“They just have more style and more class, Matt,” Mitch said. “You young kids just don’t know what you’re talking about.” The two men were carrying their boards from the Baywatch headquarters building down to the surf. The friends often would surf together on days that they shared a morning shift, and most of the time their talk came back to this subject and whenever that happened, it turned to a friendly argument.
“That longboard of yours looks like it belongs in a museum, my friend,” Matt countered. He, like Mitch, looked absolutely perfect, dark hair blowing gently in the breeze, his tanned body working effortlessly as it carried him and his shortboard across the sand. “Get with the times. You’ve got to modernize.”
“I don’t have to do any such thing. We don’t even have a DVD player at home.”
“I know,” Matt teased, “Hobie comes over to my place to watch movies.”
“So that’s where he goes. Come on, what’s so great about DVD’s that our Betamax machine doesn’t have?”
Matt’s efforts to keep from doubling over in laughter almost worked, but at the last second he failed. Mitch watched as his friend and fellow Baywatch lifeguard collapsed in the sand in hysterics.
“What? What did I say?” Mitch asked, truly perplexed. But Matt was unable to answer, and Mitch continued on toward the water as the younger man could do nothing but pound his fists in the sand and laugh.
Elsewhere,
it was turning out to be less than a perfect day in
Max, a tall man with roguish good looks and a day’s worth of stubble gracing his chin fought with the cover on the plane. He couldn’t believe that Barbara, his partner, hadn’t managed this detail. She was supposed to take care of every aspect of their escape and here they were, spending precious minutes trying to remove the damned tarp from their plane. The tarp had gotten caught in the pilot-side door and was not coming off.
Barbara, a six-foot tall Slavic-looking blonde woman, the kind of woman many women would kill to look like (and the kind of woman that wouldn’t blink an eye about killing any of those women herself, just for kicks) stood and watched as Max fumed. Max was usually so cocksure and confident and here he was, being reduced to an awkward klutz by a simple tarp. Knowing they had plenty of time and being a bit annoyed with her partner because of an earlier tiff – Max had accused her of flirting with their waiter at dinner the previous evening and had ended up putting the poor man in traction with very few bones in his body left intact – she let him struggle without offering any assistance. Fighting back a giggle, she finally gave in and lent him a hand.
“Stand back, you fool,” she said, the slightest trace of a Russian accent in her voice. Barbara removed a nasty-looking knife from a hilt attached to her right boot. Max took a step or two away from her, never quite knowing her intentions, nor her mood. Barbara merely thrust her blade through the tarp and slit it neatly from the top of the plane down to the ground. The tarp fell away from the aircraft.
“Take care of that garbage,” Max commanded, trying to reassert his dominance. “I’ll stow the goods.” He set about loading the black duffel bag filled with their haul in the luggage compartment.
Barbara gathered up the tattered tarp and put it into a garbage dumpster nearby. She’d been trying to figure out a way to ditch Max for some time now. The guy was really bringing her down. Years and years ago, when they first met, he’d been dashing, charming and he had easily won her affections. These days, however, she wasn’t so sure what she was doing with him. More often than not, he was snapping at her over some infraction of one of his seemingly endless amount of unspoken rules. It was as if she couldn’t do anything right. She didn’t know when things had changed, but they definitely did and she was a strong enough woman to know that she deserved better. Besides that, he was becoming dangerous. She never knew when he was going to take an unneeded hostage, shoot some innocent by-stander or beat the crap out of a traffic cop. Risks were par for the course in their line of work, but Max was making life harder by taking unnecessary ones. There’d been a time when she would have gone to jail for him, would have taken a fall for him, might even have taken a bullet for him, but those days were long since in the past.
But, for the moment, she was stuck with him. For one thing, he was the only one fully qualified on the plane they were about to make their escape in. He also had sole possession of the combination on the lock on their bag of jewels. Perhaps once they had fenced the goods, she’d be able to take enough money to get away and make a new start. She would play it sweet, make him happy and then leave him somewhere.
“Ready to go,” she said. “Let’s start pre-flight.”
Max nodded and entered the plane, settling into the pilot’s chair. He pulled the headset off its hook and placed it over his ears. Barbara sat at his side and did the same and then took out a clipboard with a pre-flight checklist. Barbara began naming tasks on the list as Max repeated them and flipped the appropriate switch, or turned the appropriate knob. The plane checked out and soon they were ready to go.
Skip
Harrelson checked in for his morning shift in the control tower at
“Tower, this is Moonie A7392 requesting clearance to taxi.”
Skip jumped a bit. It wasn’t unusual for a plane to be departing first thing in the morning, but he’d never been surprised by a request the second he’d settled in. He hadn’t even stirred the non-dairy creamer into his coffee yet.
Skip cleared his throat and keyed his microphone. “Moonie A7392 this is tower. Good morning. Can you give me a second here? Gotta work the crick out of my neck.”
There was a pause and then a moment later, Skip heard a voice that was obviously dripping with poorly-concealed frustration and anger.
“Tower, we’re in a bit of a hurry here. We’d like to go now, if it’s all the same to you.”
Typical
Californians, Skip thought. So laid-back and worry free until it’s inconvenient
to someone else. Skip was from the
“Okay, Moonie, sorry about that. We’ve got your flight plan
here, straight up to
The voice in his headphones was more relaxed now. Still strained, but the pilot’s frustration was obviously tempered by the kindness Skip had shown. “Roger that, tower.”
“Permission to taxi right, Echo Bravo 3,” Skip said.
“Right; Echo Bravo 3,” came the pilot’s voice.
Skip looked up from his radar displays and watched as the small plane lurched forward as the pilot released the brakes. The aircraft turned right and headed down taxiway echo bravo 3 as instructed.
“A7392 turn right at Hotel Charlie 2 and proceed to runway 22 left,” Skip said.
“Roger. Right at Hotel Charlie 2, runway 22 left.”
Max briefly considered stopping the plane near the control tower, running up the stairs and strangling the controller there, all because he’d suggested that he wait a moment for the controller to do his morning stretches. As if he didn’t have a schedule to keep! The thought left as quickly as it had come, as he’d looked over at Barbara who must have seen the anger flare up in his eyes. Chastened, he’d held his rage in check and brought his emotions – and his voice – under control. No need to jeopardize the job now that they were so close to being away free and clear. He brought the plane around to face down the runway, applied the brakes and increased the throttle to ¾ power.
“Tower, this is Moonie A7392 requesting clearance for takeoff.”
The controllers nebbish-sounding voice came across the radio. “A7392, you are clear to proceed. After takeoff turn to a heading of oh-two-oh degrees.”
“Roger, oh-two-oh degrees.”
Max released the brakes and the plane’s engine sent the tiny craft hurtling down the runway. Max expertly brought the plane into the air and soon was making the right turn to the assigned heading.
His radio crackled again. “Moonie A7392, switch to SOCAL control, 17392.98 on your radio dial.”
“Roger, 17392.98.”
“Good d—” The controller’s traditional farewell was cut off as Barbara punched in the new frequency.
Skip frowned. Dealing with an angry and snobby pilot was no way to start his day. He reminded himself that the pilot’s tone was nothing personal and that he’d handled himself appropriately and professionally. Taking a few deep breaths and smelling the aroma of his Folger’s coffee, Skip was able to calm himself. No need to get worked up over nothing.
Skip looked
at the list of flight plans scheduled for the morning. There wasn’t another
plane due in or out for 45 minutes. After that, the morning was pretty hectic,
but until the next plane, Skip had plenty of time to himself and that was just
fine by him. Because of the chaotic nature of his job, Skip treasured his alone
time, and that was his plan until he had to start pushing tin again later in
the morning. He stretched out in his chair, looked out the window at the sky
and saw it was going to be another perfect day in sunny
Max and
Barbara flew North, began making their way towards
“What are we going to do with all that money, Max?” Barbara cooed.
Max warmed to the game. If there was anything that could break a dark mood of his, it was talking about money. The sexy hint of a sultry tone in Barbara’s voice didn’t hurt either.
“Babe, we’re gonna live like kings. We’re gonna have the finest wines, the best food, the fastest cars, the hottest women….” Max trailed off, knowing he’d gotten carried away. He waited for a furious reproach from the woman at his side, but none came. Max risked a to his right. Barbara looked at him expectantly and nodded, urging him to continue.
Maybe she hadn’t heard him right. Maybe she thought he’d said something a little more innocuous; something that didn’t sound like he was ready to dump her the first chance he got. Maybe she just thought he was kidding (he certainly wasn’t.) Or maybe she just didn’t feel like fighting. Still, the look on her face was like she was hoping he’d find another woman; like she was trying to get rid of him.
But Max didn’t have the time to think about the issue further, nor did he have time to ask her about it as at that moment, a dozen different warning alarms, bells and buzzers began going off at the same time.
“What the hell?” Max exclaimed.
“We’re losing oil pressure!” Barbara cried.
“I can see that!” Max shouted back.
“The fuel gauges are dropping too. Hydraulics are failing. The whole plane is falling apart!”
Max pulled back on the throttle and began attempting various such maneuvers that might keep their little plane aloft.
Mitch and
Matt were enjoying their last run of the morning. Soon they’d have to hang up
their boards and don the orange swim trunks of the
“Hey Mitch!” he shouted as he cut across a wave right in front of his boss. “Eat my wake!”
“You little punk!” Mitch cried. Here he was: Lieutenant of the Baywatch Lifeguards, a former Navy Seal, and father of a teenager and he couldn’t get a little respect on a surf board. But Mitch knew that once he was in his tower, his eyes on his water, alert and ready to go at the first hint of trouble, he got the respect that he deserved. That was when Lt. Mitch Buchannon was at his best; when he felt the most alive.
Matt glanced back at Mitch, and seeing that the older lifeguard was okay, or at least still on that ridiculously oversized board of his, waved and shouted, “See ya at Headquarters!”
That was it. The young lifeguard had pushed Mitch over the edge. Remembering his Navy Seal training, and more recently, remembering the tricks his son, Hobie used in that surfing video game he was always playing -- something Mitch didn’t understand at all – why play a surfing video game when you live less than 15 minutes from the Pacific Ocean? Hobie never had an adequate answer to that question – Mitch positioned himself on his board such that his body produced less wind resistance and he quickly gained speed on Matt. Matt risked a glance back and saw that Mitch was fast approaching him. Reflexively, he tried to speed up by using his front foot to paddle as if he were propelling himself on a skateboard.
This, of course, only had the effect of putting Matt well off-balance. Mitch saw his opportunity and stripped off the band attaching his board to his ankle. He sprang from the board, leaping at Matt, whom he hit directly in the back. He pulled Matt from his board and the pair landed in shallow water. They wrestled their way up to the beach.
“Okay, okay! I give up!” Matt cried, laughing, as Mitch pinned him to the sand. “Let me go!”
“Not until you admit the only reason you ride that short board is because you don’t have the skill to ride the long board,” Mitch laughed.
“No way! I could ride that dinosaur of yours any day of the week.”
“Is that right?” Mitch asked, rolling off Matt. “You’re on! How about Monday?”
Matt racked his brain for any excuse not to live up to his claim but couldn’t find one. “Uh, yeah, sure. Why not?”
“Great,” said Mitch. “Same time, same place.”
Matt sighed, realizing his big mouth had gotten him into yet another jam. He’d have to find some way to make Mitch forget about this little agreement.
The two
lifeguards lay in the sand, catching their breath. As they lay there, Matt
scanned the sky. It was perfect. There was none of the usual
“We better go get ready, Mitch,” Matt said, propping himself up on his elbows.
“You’re right. It wouldn’t be right for the senior lifeguard to be late for duty.”
“Senior?” Matt laughed. “More like senior citizen!” He jumped to his feet.
Mitch jumped up too, ready to administer another thrashing to his friend.
“You’ve done it this time, pal!” Mitch yelled as he ran after Matt. Mitch was about to jump on Matt’s back to pull him to the ground again when he noticed that Matt had suddenly stopped in his tracks and was looking up at something in the sky. Mitch stopped and looked up as well.
A small plane was crossing the sky and it was obviously in trouble. Smoke was billowing out from the engine and it looked as if it was going to crash into the water.
Matt’s shock lasted only a moment. He immediately set off running in the direction of headquarters, going as fast as he could. Mitch was right behind him, occasionally looking over his shoulder to watch as the aircraft fell towards the sea. Both men knew that their day was going to get very hectic very quickly.
Upon entering headquarters, Mitch immediately began barking out orders to people.
“Call the police! Call the fire department! Call Garner! Bring me everyone!”
“What do you mean, ‘everyone’?” asked a young staffer named Benny.
“Everyone!” Mitch shouted. “We have a plane going down in the ocean as we speak.”
“A plane?” asked Logan Fowler, a young Australian lifeguard. “A commercial jet?”
“No,” snapped Mitch as he made his way back outside. “A single engine prop plane. Get a move on. To the Scarabs!”
Every one of the lifeguards and staff members knew exactly what to do. Several of them flew to the phones and began making calls while others rushed to close off the beach. The rest rushed after Mitch to board the Scarab speed boats.
Several Scarabs circled in the water over the downed plane. One by one, Baywatch lifeguards, equipped with full scuba gear, dove into the ocean with Mitch and Logan in the lead. They swam straight down and could soon see the plane resting on the ocean floor.
Inside the plane, Max was struggling to free himself. His door wouldn’t open, and Barbara was unconscious, so she was no help. He tried undoing her seat belt but it seemed to be jammed. Max kept his panic in check.
“Been in tighter jams than this
before,” he told himself. “Just remember
The doors wouldn’t open because the water pressure outside the plane was greater than it was inside. If he could change that, things would turn around. Water was coming into the cockpit at a steady pace already, but Max decided to speed up the process. Max leaned across Barbara’s body and opened the glove compartment, revealing a pistol. He used the weapon to hammer at the windshield until a crack ran through the plexi-glass. Bracing himself against his seat, he kicked the window until the crack was large enough that water was rushing into the cockpit. Before the compartment filled completely, Max took one last breath. It was a damn shame about Barbara, but there were more important things to worry about.
Max exited the cockpit, and began moving back toward the rear compartment and his bag full of diamonds when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked around and saw a man in scuba gear looking down at him. It was Logan, who always prided himself on being first to reach the victims anytime there was trouble. He gestured to Max to ascend with him and offered Max the second respirator on his oxygen tank.
Max took the respirator but refused
to surface without the diamonds. He knew it would be next to impossible to retrieve
them if he left them behind now. Max hoped to stall the lifeguard by gesturing
at Barbara with a pleading look in his eyes.
Mitch reached the plane next and
watched
Mitch pressed the extra mouthpiece on his tank to the woman’s lips, hoping to get her some oxygen as they rose to the surface. The strong lifeguard held her tightly against his chest, careful not to aggravate any injuries she might have, but also attempting to stabilize her neck and spine.
Back at the surface, on a waiting
Scarab, Michael “Newmie” Newman helped Mitch bring
Barbara on board. The boat
“Take us in, Newman!” Mitch shouted.
Newman turned the boat towards the pier and brought the craft to speed. Soon as they were docked, Mitch handed Barbara up to two waiting EMT’s who carried her to a waiting ambulance. The technicians began working on reviving the young woman as the vehicle sped off.
The rescue over, Mitch’s adrenaline levels and heart rate returned to normal. As Newman passed, Mitch said, “Great work, pal.” Newman returned the compliment with a nod and a smile. Mitch allowed himself and his crew just one moment to feel proud and relaxed.
“Back to work, people!” he shouted. “We’ve got plenty to keep us busy now. Those of you who should be in towers, get to them. You other folks can help with the cleanup. And anybody who wants to do my paperwork for me is more than welcome to it,” he added jokingly.
Barbara’s eyes opened and when her vision cleared a little, she saw Max standing over her.
“What – where am I?” she asked groggily.
“You’re in the hospital. You passed in and out of consciousness after our plane crashed. You were delirious and babbling. You started talking about the diamonds!” Max hissed angrily.
“I didn’t give us up, did I?” Barabra asked.
“No, fortunately you passed out right before you said anything too incriminating. You’ve been out for a day or so.”
Barbara looked around, taking in her surroundings. It was a standard hospital room. Another patient lay in a bed on the other side of the room. It was an older man who seemed to be asleep.
She looked back at Max, “I couldn’t get my seatbelt unbuckled. How did you save me?”
Max looked
chagrinned. “Well….er, actually we were rescued by
An image flashed in Barbara’s mind; an image of Mitch – her rescuer; her savior. He was handsome, rugged, brave and genuine. Except for the handsome part, Max was none of those things. Barbara had been panicked, nearly drowned when she “met” Mitch but she could somehow tell he was the real deal.
Max broke into her reverie, “We’ve got a big problem though.”
Barbara put aside her thoughts of Mitch for the moment. “Where are the…” she remembered the other patient and looked over to see if he was listening and then finished her sentence in a whisper. “Where are the diamonds?”
Max too looked around to make sure nobody was eavesdropping. He drew closer to Barbara’s side. “They’re in the bag. In the plane. At the bottom of the Pacific,” he said through clenched teeth.
“How deep?” Barbara asked.
“I’m not sure. Two-fifty? Three hundred?”
“Deep,” Barbara said dejectedly. “Do we just walk away from it?”
“Walk away?
That’s nearly $23 million sitting down there. You don’t just walk away from
that kind of money. Besides, do you think they’re just going to let the plane
sit down there? The thing is leaking oil and fuel into the ocean. Greenpeace
would kill somebody before they let it sit down there. Besides that, the FAA
wants to take a look at it. Frankly, I’d like a look at it too, find out what
went wrong. It didn’t feel right from take-off. Something was off, and I’d like
to know what it was. But whatever –
the point is that if they raise that plane and find the diamonds, we’re as good
as caught. They know who we are and it’s not as if Nero has kept quiet about
being robbed.”
“Okay, okay. Just calm down. Let me think here for a minute,” Barbara
said. “When are they going to raise the plane?”
“Next week.
They’d do it right now, but there’s some piece of equipment they need that’s up
in
“Well, that’s good. At least it gives us some time.”
“There’s nothing preventing them from sending divers down in the mean time though,” Max pointed out.
“It’s too deep for casual divers and they won’t send anyone official down until they’re ready to raise it….” Barbara trailed off as she noticed a lovely bouquet of flowers on her bedside table.
“What?” Max asked. “What is it?”
“Max, the flowers. They’re beautiful. You haven’t given me flowers in so long.”
Again, Max looked chagrinned. “I didn’t get those for you.”
“You didn’t? Then who did?” Barbara had no idea who’d do such a thing. It wasn’t like she had a whole lot of people in her life who were concerned about her welfare.
“I don’t know,” Max said, reaching for the attached card.
“Give me that!” Barbara cried.
Reluctantly, Max handed the card to Barbara. She quickly removed it from its envelope and read it to herself.
“Oh my! I think I might know someone who can help us with our little problem,” she said, smiling.
“Who? Why? What does the card say?”
Barbara read the card aloud, “Barbara – hope you’re feeling better soon. Perhaps we will meet again sometime when you’re more conscious. Yours, Lt. Mitch Buchannon.”
Mitch wasn’t in the habit of sending flowers to the beautiful women he rescued, though there had been quite a few that he wouldn’t mind pursuing some extended mouth-to-mouth activities with. That sort of thing was frowned upon though, but Mitch hadn’t had much luck with the ladies lately. As much as he hated to admit it, Mitch was hard up for a date.
And there was just something about Barbara that Mitch liked. For the brief moment that her eyes had been open during the rescue, Mitch had seen something special in there. Beyond the panic, shock and fear, he’d seen a passion for life and for living that he just hadn’t come across before. So he’d broken a rule (a very minor rule, mind you) and sent her the third cheapest “Get Well” arrangement the florist showed him.
Mitch
looked at the clock. It was
He thought about calling the hospital to see if Barbara had woken up yet, but decided that might be too much too soon. Besides, he wasn’t a family member or even a friend so there was no reason for them to give him Barbara’s status. He could have called some of his contacts on the police force, or at the hospital, but it might raise too many questions. He wasn’t sure that he could manage to sound like he was merely a concerned rescuer and not some dorky, infatuated lifeguard.
Maybe he should go through his little black book to see if there were any prospects in there he might have missed the first time through. That would probably be too depressing though. So many old names and memories. So much rejection, too. Mitch sighed. The fact was that he was getting older and the longest relationship he’d had lately was with his toothbrush. No, nothing to do but sit here and play this stupid surfing game.
But he just couldn’t get his mind off Barbara. He hadn’t seen any rings on her fingers when he rescued her, so that was promising. Mitch didn’t know if she was romantically involved with that Max fellow she’d been on the plane with, but he decided to go with the assumption that she wasn’t. He just had to wait and hope the flowers would do the trick.
Even though
Max was less than thrilled at being continually tied to Barbara, he was even
less happy with her idea of using this lifeguard’s attraction to her to get the
diamonds. There was too much that could go wrong and if she didn’t play it
right, they could both wind up in jail. Max was also more than a little
jealous. The tanned and toned buffoon thought he could send flowers to his girl
and get away with it? There was a time when Max would have used a less overt
gesture as an excuse to put someone in the hospital. Once, a guy at a bar in
Barbara, on the other hand, wasn’t a bit worried about her ability to “play” Mitch. She knew from the flowers and the card that he’d sent that she should have no problem getting Mitch wrapped around her little finger. She was used to having men fall all over themselves trying to get her attention and she was not at all shy about using her beauty and charm to get what she wanted. She’d done it so many times it was almost second nature to her now.
The only problem was that Barbara really thought Mitch had a lot of potential. It had always been easy for Barbara to take advantage of the saps she didn’t give a damn about. Could the old “love ‘em and leave ‘em” routine work without the leaving?
The ringing of the telephone shook Mitch out of a stupor. He’d been sitting, barely half-awake, staring at the wall and the noise of the phone made him jump.
“Hello?” he said into the handset.
“Mitchell Buchannon?” said the voice at the other end. It was a female voice; a sultry female voice.
“Speaking. Yes. This is he,” Mitch fumbled. The sexiness of the voice, along with the grogginess he felt didn’t help him act in his usual cool and calm manner.
“Hello Mitchell. This is Barbara O’Daley. We…um. We ‘met’ the other day.”
Mitch was silent, shocked. Amazed. The woman he’d been thinking about all day was actually calling him.
Barbara, unused to a lack of recognition from a male, struggled to make a connection. “We met underwater? You rescued me…?”
“I know who you are, Miss O’Daley,” Mitch blurted. “I’m sorry, I’m just….”
“Did I interrupt something?” Barbara asked, starting her game. “I know it’s late on a Friday night. I thought for sure I’d just get your answering machine. It was just that I’m so lonely here in the hospital and the flowers you sent are so wonderful and I wanted to thank you.”
“Oh, you’re very welcome,” Mitch said. “I take it you woke up then?” Mitch wanted to kick himself. Why was he talking like a total idiot? It was as if he had traded places with Hobie.
But Barbara actually laughed, and it didn’t sound like she was laughing at Mitch. Rather, it seemed like she was laughing at what she perceived as a joke Mitch had told.
“Yes, Mitchell, I am awake, and the first thing I saw was that beautiful bouquet you sent. It really brightened the room, and my day.”
“Miss O’Daley, please, call me Mitch.”
“Well then you must call me Barbara,” she replied.
“Alright….Barbara.”
“Mitch, I just can’t thank you enough for rescuing me. I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t been there.”
“Well, I’m sure your boyfriend would have gotten you out of there alright,” Mitch said, testing the waters.
“Boyfriend? Oh you mean Max?” Barbara laughed merrily. “He’s not my boyfriend. He’s my pilot.”
Score one for the home team, thought Mitch. “Ahh, I see. Must be nice to have your own pilot.”
“It is. Especially when I had my own plane,” Barbara said wryly.
Mitch chuckled appreciatively and then turned serious. “Do you have any idea what caused your crash?”
“I haven’t got a clue, Mitch. Max doesn’t know either. He’s real curious to find out though.”
“Well, as soon as they raise the plane, everyone can know what happened on that flight,” Mitch replied.
“Yes, I suppose you’re right,” Barbara responded less than enthusiastically.
An awkward silence took over the conversation. Mitch shifted uneasily on the sofa. He groped for something to say.
“So…”
Barbara interrupted, taking control again. “Mitch, would you like to have dinner with me after I’ve gotten out of the hospital? I’d really like to treat you to a nice meal and properly show my appreciation,” she said.
Mitch blinked. This last addition to her offer was stated very suggestively. Was Mitch hearing things or had she just proposed an illicit sexual liaison? Mitch didn’t usually date such brash, suggestive women, but on the other hand it had been a while…. Besides, dinner was dinner and he couldn’t turn that down.
“Sounds great!” he said. “Do you know when that will be?”
“Well, Mitch, I’m no doctor, but I don’t think they’ll be keeping me in here much longer. Why don’t I give you a call when I know a date and time?”
“Okay Barbara, sounds like a plan,” Mitch said.
“Great! Talk to you then. Bye, Mitch.”
“Bye, Barbara.”
Mitch hung up the phone and leaned back on the sofa, smiling. A date with a beautiful woman? Take that, Hobie!”
Hobie had never been so nervous. He’d wanted to take Sarah Hanson out ever since he first saw her, almost four years ago. He finally worked up the courage to ask her and he’s saved up money from his summer job to pay for the whole evening himself. He couldn’t believe she’d agreed to go out with him. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity that Hobie couldn’t afford to screw up. He knew he had to be calm, cool and collected or else Sarah would drop him like yesterday’s garbage.
Hobie had never had much luck with girls, even though he was relatively popular, knew how to dress and took lessons from lady-killer Matt Brodie. He just never found himself able to approach and talk to women. He wondered why the ladies were always fawning over his father, who, to Hobie, seemed like the biggest dork on the planet. There must be something Hobie was missing, but he could never put his finger on it. But though Hobie didn’t think much of his dad’s style, he kept hoping that he’d inherited, genetically, whatever it was that women found so irresistible.
They’d
agreed to meet at the corner near Sarah’s house and then walk from there.
Hobie came around the corner and saw Sarah standing there, looking beautiful as ever. Immediately, his pulse began to race and his palms began to sweat. He had the urge to turn around and run back home but she had already seen him. There was no going back now. He had to go through with it.
“I’m cool,” he told himself. “I’m cool I’m cool I’m cool.”
“Hi Hobie!” Sarah called. She sounded happy to see him. A good sign, Hobie thought.
“Hi, Sarah!” Hobie said. Amazingly, he hadn’t stuttered and his voice hadn’t cracked. Not bad. He tried some more, “How are you?”
“I’m great, thanks! I was talking to Debbie and she told me that Tina told her that Gary was thinking about asking Lucy out to the dance but Lucy like Mike and….”
Hobie, overwhelmed by the sudden deluge of names, information and gossip was unable to do anything but nod and smile. It looked like he wouldn’t have to worry too much about being a brilliant conversationalist if Sarah kept this up. Hobie shifted his wait from foot to foot and waited for her to finish.
“…but I said I’d rather go out with you, so here I am!”
Woah, thought Hobie. Rather go out with me than what? See a movie with her friends? Donate blood? Swim naked with Brad Pitt? Hobie wished he’d been paying more attention. Whatever it was though, Hobie would take it.
“So here we
are,” Hobie said. “I’m glad you wanted to go out with me.”
“Well, let’s go!” Sarah said,
as she put her arm through Hobie’s.
Hobie smiled inwardly. She was actually touching him. This was going great.
As they walked, Sarah indeed took up most of the conversation with talk of people Hobie didn’t know, places Hobie had never been and movies Hobie hadn’t seen. He made a greater effort to pay attention but often found himself falling behind the conversation. He was so involved with thinking about the feeling of her arm on his, that it took most of his remaining brain power to keep himself from tripping over his shoes.
Finally, they made it to the restaurant but as he held the door open for Sarah, she asked, “What are we doing here? Do you have to go to the bathroom or something? I’ll wait outside.”
“No, this is where we’re eating,” replied Hobie without thinking.
“But…. Hobie? This is a
“Yeah! It’s great! They’ve got these little square hamburgers and you can order a whole bunch of them and they’re awesome! And chicken rings. They have rings made of chicken!” Hobie said, oblivious to the fact that his enthusiasm for the restaurant chain was doing nothing to impress or convince his date.
“I wonder
if I can still catch
“Wow! You have a cell phone? That’s awesome! Those are awesome!”
“Uh yeah. Do you mind excusing me for a second?” Sarah turned from the door and headed towards a bench near the road, dialing her phone.
“Sure,
should I order for you? What do you want?”
“Oh, whatever, Hobie,” Sarah
said, and then spoke into her phone. “Hi,
“Okay! Great!” Hobie called, entering the restaurant. He stood in line and looked over the vast menu, wondering what Sarah would like.
Hobie
thought maybe a sack of 12 burgers and some fries would do. A couple of Cokes
and they’d be set. He’d still have enough money left for some video games at
the arcade later on in the evening. He looked through the window and saw Sarah
talking animatedly on her phone. He wondered if she was telling
When the food was ready, Hobie took the tray to an open table. He sat, waiting for Sarah to join him. Finally, not wanting the food to get cold and a little worried about his date, he went to the window, just in time to see her get into a yellow convertible filled with raucous teenagers.
Hobie
returned to the table in shame and sorrow. He sat, slumped over the food,
wallowing in self-pity. He’d just been dumped and ditched in the middle of a
date. All because he wanted to go to
Just then, someone sat down opposite Hobie. He looked up to see C.J. Parker, the drop-dead gorgeous Baywatch lifeguard all the men were always fawning over.
“C.J.,” Hobie said in disbelief. “What are you doing here?”
“Hi, Hobe,” C.J. said. “I was just passing by when I noticed you in here alone. I’d thought I’d stop in and say hello.”
“Well, hello,” Hobie said, dropping his gazed dejectedly back to the food tray.
“Aww, what’s the matter, Hobie? You seem so glum!”
“Yeah, well, I was out on a date and the girl decided she’d rather go out with her other friends than eat here with me.”
“You took a date here?” C.J. asked incredulously.
“What does
everyone have against
“Oh, nothing really. It’s just not very romantic… or very good. Can I have some fries?”
Hobie pushed the fries across the table, but then looked quizzically at C.J.. “I thought you were a vegetarian.”
“I am. Potatoes are vegetables.”
“They’re vegetables fried in animal fat.”
“They are?” C.J. made a face. “We’ll just pretend you didn’t say that.” She began wolfing down French fries.
“Right,” Hobie said. “Whatever. Look, if you don’t mind, I’d like to be alone.”
“Really?” C.J. acted shocked. “You’d rather be alone than with a blonde bombshell like me?”
“I’d rather be with a girl I’d have a chance of kissing at the end of the night. But, since that’s not happening, I think I’ll just go home.”
“C’mon Hobie. Don’t be such a party pooper,” C.J. smiled. “Besides, I’d say you’ve got a great chance of kissing me at the end of the night. And maybe even before the end of the night….”
Hobie swallowed hard. Was C.J. Parker coming on to him? This was the woman whose pictures he’d found at the bottom of his dad’s sock drawer. The woman from whom not even that ultra-handsome and cool Matt Brodie could get anything. Here she was telling Hobie he might get a kiss from her? At the very least, being seen with a super-hot babe wouldn’t hurt his reputation at all.
“Earth to Hobie,” C.J. said. “Come in, Hobie!”
“Y-y-yeah. Sounds good!” Hobie stammered.
“Don’t blow a gasket yet, kid. You’ve got a ways to go to earn that kiss. The night’s still young. Now, eat your dinner.”
Hobie scarfed down his food, eager to get on with the rest of the evening.
A dark figure skulked across the beach towards the dry docks where the Baywatch Scarabs were stored. The man stayed in the shadows and managed to get to the building without being seen. Getting inside would be a bit trickier, however, as the building was locked up tight as a vault. But that shouldn’t prove to be a problem to a man whose profession it was to break into vaults of all shapes and sizes.
Max removed an electronic lock pick from the satchel he wore around his waist and inserted it into the lock. He pushed a button and the device made a whirring noise, beeped six times, whirred again, clicked, did a sort of “gunkwhistleshtoop” noise, ticked, tocked, clanged (softly), and finally beeped twice more. Max replaced the gadget in his bag and turned the knob. The door swung open easily.
Max entered the building, wary of infrared alarms, security cameras and patrolling guards. Fortunately, he encountered none of these things and easily made it to a Scarab whose keys were still in the ignition. He grabbed some scuba gear from a rack, checked that the tank was fully charged and slipped into the boat. He untied the lines and started the motor.
Max figured it was his best chance to make a dive for the diamonds. He didn’t trust Barbara’s abilities or her loyalty and felt he may as well make his own play as soon as possible. If Barbara became involved with that lifeguard, Max might soon become a third wheel and get shut out of everything, or worse yet, he might end up in jail or even dead.
Max pulled the Scarab away from the dock and out through the open end of the building that faced the water. There was a full moon out and the sky was cloudless, so he had little trouble seeing where he was going. The rescue team had placed several buoys at the site of the wreck and soon Max was anchoring the stolen boat directly over the crashed plane.
Max began his dive preparations, getting into a wet suit and flippers and rechecking his tank and respirator. Everything checked out, so he checked it again. After the debacle with the plane, he wasn’t taking any chances.
Only when he was certain that everything checked out did Max enter the water. He dove straight down, following the line from one of the buoys, lighting his way with a bright, waterproof flashlight. In a matter of moments, the plane was illuminated by Max’s light. Soon, the diamonds would be his.
Did you know that Matt Brodie lives on a house boat? Well, he does, and that makes him even cooler than his leather jacket or his motorcycle. Cooler than his bad-ass haircut. Matt Brodie kicks serious ass 24/7. The motherfucker lives on a houseboat, for the love of God. Just try and top that.
Matt Brodie was sitting in his bedroom on his houseboat when he heard the Scarab start up. Matt kept his houseboat docked close to the Baywatch motor pool so he’d never be too far from the job he loved. He knew there was no reason for anyone to be taking a boat out so late at night. He hurriedly shoved some photos of C.J. back into his sock drawer, pulled up his pants and rushed outside, carrying his high-powered binoculars.
Matt scanned the water with the binoculars and soon spotted the bright yellow boat cutting across the waves. It was heading for the site where the plane had gone down! Matt knew nobody at Baywatch had any need to go back there, unless Caroline had dropped one of her implants during the rescue.
Matt chuckled at the image, and then got hung up on the idea of a naked Caroline, but quickly shook it off. Focus, Brodie! He thought. We’ve got a stolen Scarab and somebody returning to the wrecked plane. What would Fonzie do?
Matt jumped into the small motorboat tied to the side of his houseboat. He cast off and sped to the Scarab docks. He grabbed scuba gear of his own, took a Scarab and went after the stolen boat.
By the time Matt reached the buoy, Max had already dived off, so Matt secured the two Scarabs to each other, and took both sets of keys. Then, after checking his equipment, he dove into the ocean and followed the line down to the plane. Below him, he could see the light from Max’s torch moving back and forth across the surface of the wreck. He could also see something that Max could not: a giant squid, guarding the wreckage. Matt sped his descent. Boat thief or not, this guy didn’t deserve to become squid bait.
Max was almost there. He could see the compartment. Just a few more feet and he’d have it. He couldn’t believe he’d been this close just a couple days before. If that lifeguard hadn’t interfered, he’d have made off with the diamonds as easy as pie. Now he had to go through all this trouble to steal a boat and dive for the treasure. Why was everything always so damn complicated? Max cleared his head of these distracting thoughts. No used in dwelling on these matters.
Just then, Max felt something tapping on his shoulder. That’s it! He thought. If it was another stupid lifeguard, he was going to get a knife to the throat. Max whirled around, ready to confront whoever was interrupting him and was, needless to say, more than a little shocked to come face to face with a giant squid. The squid greeted Max with a tight, many-armed hug. Max was completely immobilized, unable to do much more than blink, and he was being brought closer and closer to the gaping maw of the humongous beast.
Matt saw the squid grab Max and knew he didn’t have much time if he was going to save the man. He kicked faster, using every last bit of strength he had left to make his descent as swift as possible. He’d wrestled giant squid before and knew exactly how he had to hit it to get it away from its prey. AS Matt swam down, he used his forward momentum to slam his fist into one of the squid’s large, blinking eyes. The monster immediately let go of Max, who swam a little ways away, clutching his throat and fighting for air. Matt repeatedly punched the giant squid in different locations in an attempt to confuse the beast.
Max looked around. Could it be possible that he’d just been attacked by a giant squid and then saved by a lifeguard who seemed (at first glance) to be at least as cool as he? It didn’t seem at all likely, but who was Max to argue with reality?
The squid was turning on Max’s rescuer, so Max took the opportunity to escape with his life. He didn’t pass up a chance like that very often. As the squid grabbed for Matt, Max saw something shiny fall from Matt’s pocket. It was the two sets of boat keys. Max held out his hand and expertly caught the keys as he swam past. Max gave Matt a mock salute and headed for the surface and began wondering if any amount of money was worth this kind of grief. He honestly didn’t know.
Max reached the boats, entered the one he’d stolen, cast off from the other and took off into the night.
Of course, Matt thought, you save a guy’s life and how does he repay you? He takes off, steals your keys, takes a boat and leaves you with a deadly freaking giant squid. These things weren’t even supposed to exist and Matt had to deal with one for the third time in the past six months. What were the odds on that? Needless to say, Matt’s previous experiences with the creatures allowed him to prevail over this one. In an indescribable act of courage, bravery and daring-do, Matt vanquished the foul squid and returned to the surface.
Panting, Matt lay in the boat. Without the keys, there was nothing for him to do but wait until morning when his co-workers showed up. Matt closed his eyes and wondered what was in the plane that was so important that someone would steal a boat and make a late-night dive to recover. Certainly anything that was there now would still be there when the boat was raised from the bottom. Matt didn’t think about it too long, however, as the gentle rocking of the waves quickly put him to sleep. It reminded him of home.
Hobie
looked at his watch before opening the front door of his house. It was
Hobie entered the house and found his father sitting on the couch in the living room. He was playing his surfing video game and had a huge grin on his face.
“Hey dad,” Hobie said cheerfully. “What’s up?”
“Hey pal!” Mitch called. “Come on in, see if you can beat your old man at this thing. I’ve been practicing.”
“Actually, Dad, I’m pretty beat. I think I’ll just call it a night.”
“You’re getting old, son. How was the date?”
Hobie shifted uneasily. “It was alright.”
“Alright? It’s past one in the morning. Surely, it had to be better than alright.”
“Well, Sarah wanted to meet up with some of her friends, so we hung out with them for most of the night. I couldn’t get a ride home until just now.”
“That’s too bad. You know you could have called if you needed a ride.”
“Yeah, I know. It was okay. Just not what I had expected.”
“Mmm-hmm. I know how that is.”
“Besides, I thought you’d have a date.”
“No such luck tonight, pal. But I do have something lined up for next week.”
“That’s great, Dad,” Hobie said, wanting to pre-empt any disclosure about his dad’s dating futures. “I’m gonna hit the hay.”
“G’night, Hobe.”
Hobie rushed up to his room, wanting to be in bed before the wonderful impression C.J. had left on him faded.
The next morning, Mitch headed to the beach early. This was the day that Matt was supposed to try riding Mitch’s long board. Matt was nowhere in sight, however, so Mitch started a run of his own. After 20 minutes of surfing, Mitch became concerned. Matt might have been nervous about living up to his claim, but he certainly wouldn’t have just ditched out on a surfing date. Mitch gathered up his belongings and headed into headquarters. As he entered the communications room, he heard a voice on the radio.
“Baywatch, this is Brodie. Come in Baywatch.”
Mitch quickly grabbed the microphone. “Matt, this is Mitch. Where are you?”
“Mitch! Thank goodness. I spent the night in a stranded Scarab. Come out and get me.”
“I’m on my way, pal. What’s your location?”
“I’m at the site of the plane wreck. I’ll explain when you get here.”
“I’m out the door.”
Mitch reached the boat where Matt was stranded. He helped the shivering young lifeguard onto the Baywatch patrol cruiser and then secured the disabled Scarab to a tow line so that they could bring it back to shore. Matt helped himself to some coffee and wrapped himself up in a thermal blanket. He’d spent many nights on the open sea before, but it was no fun if you weren’t prepared for it.
As soon as Matt told Mitch the entire story of what had happened, Mitch started laughing.
“What’s so funny, Mitch?” he demanded.
“I know you were afraid to live up to your claim that you could ride a long board but that’s the worst made-up excuse I’ve ever heard, and I’ve got a 15-year-old at home,” Mitch said between guffaws.
“Ha ha, Mitch,” said Matt, very annoyed. “It’s all true except for the part where I said I was making out with Summer Quinn when I heard the stolen boat. I made that part up.”
“Oh yeah? That was the one part I did believe. What were you doing then?”
“Uhh… Watching television,” Matt lied.
“So you went, alone, in the middle of the night, after a stolen boat, made an unauthorized dive, fought a giant squid and didn’t catch your man?”
“That’s right,” Matt said ruefully.
“That has got to be, single-handedly, hands down, without a doubt, unquestionably, the king of the hill, top of the heap, cream of the crop, A-1, acme, superstar, all-time….” Mitch paused for breath.
“Do go on,” said Matt.
“…dumbest thing you’ve ever done!” finished Mitch.
They reached the shore where various nameless and faceless Baywatch lackeys were waiting to deal with both boats.
“I know. I wasn’t thinking,” admitted Matt.
“I should say you weren’t!” Mitch shouted. “Next time, you call for backup. Next time you do not go running off by yourself. Next time….” Mitch trailed off.
“Next time what, Mitch?”
Mitch started sobbing uncontrollably. “What if something had happened to you? What would I do without you?”
“Oh Mitch!” Matt embraced his friend. “Nothing happened! I’m okay! And I promise I’ll be more careful in the future. Okay? There there.”
Mitch’s cries quieted and his heavy breaths slowed. Soon, he was recomposed. “Do you promise?” he asked.
“I promise, Mitch,” Matt said. “Now are you going to be okay? I need to take a shower. I feel gross.”
“I’ll be fine,” Mitch sniffed. “Go on ahead.”
Mitch watched as Matt walked off towards the shower room. He sure could use a few more Matt Brodies around Baywatch. He grabbed a passing lackey.
“See to it that that man gets put in for a commendation,” Mitch told it. “I’ll sign the paperwork myself.”
“Um, which man are you talking about, sir?”
Later on,
in his tower, watching his water, Mitch wondered, as Matt had the night before,
what was on that plane that was so darn important that people were risking
their lives to get it.
Like Matt, Mitch didn’t have much time to think about it. Unlike Matt, it wasn’t because Mitch fell asleep, but because there was suddenly trouble in the water!
A young girl was struggling to stay afloat out in the water. Mitch saw her head go under and grabbed his red rescue can from its holder on the wall of his tower. He then knocked the phone off the hook, signaling to headquarters that a rescue was in progress and backup was needed. Mitch ran down the ramp of his tower, pounding across the sand, yelling to everyone to clear the water in the area. He hit the water, running until it was deep enough and then leapt gracefully into the air and hit the water swimming, letting his can fly out behind him. Mitch stroked through the water powerfully, making his way to where the girl had gone down.
When he got to the last place he had seen her, he could tell why she was having trouble. Mitch could feel a powerful riptide pulling at his feet, trying to drag him under.
“We meet again, ‘old friend,’” Mitch said angrily. “You’ve never won before and you won’t be winning this time either.”
Mitch dove down, looking for a sign of the drowning girl. He could see nothing, but he didn’t panic. Mitch had rescued hundreds of thousands, if not millions of drowning people and it was never easy. Well, sometimes it was. Sometimes it was really easy, like the time he fished an 86-year-old man from the water with a large net. Or the time a passing whale had flipped a drowning child right into his arms. Those times had been pretty freaking easy.
But they weren’t all like that. Most of the time, Mitch had to put forth some serious effort to earn his paycheck. Rescuing people was serious work; something not to be taken lightly.
Mitch finally spotted the girl. Her long braided ponytail was streaming up towards him. She seemed to be unconscious. Mitch had only a matter of moments and every second counted. He dove down towards her and scooped her up in his arms. Mitch sped upwards. When he broke the surface of the water, he spied an ambulance and other lifeguards doing crowd control and waiting to assist him. Mitch swam the young girl towards the shore.
When he got there, he immediately began chest compressions and CPR, waving off aid from the other lifeguards. Mitch preferred doing this part on his own. He knew of other lieutenants who might do a rescue or two, but when it came down to locking lips with a complete stranger, always shied away, preferring to have lackeys do it. Mitch knew that lackeys had their place, and there was definitely a time to use them, but he prided himself on keeping it real. Mitch would never be labeled a sell-out.
“No pulse,” he muttered, compressing the girl’s chest. “1. 2. 3. 4.” Mitch checked again. “Still no pulse.” He breathed into her open mouth. “Pullllllse….no. Still no.”
Mitch switched back to doing chest compressions. Suddenly the girl coughed up a couple pints of sea water and sat straight up. Mitch checked her pulse again.
“Pulse!” he shouted. “Everyone, she has a pulse!”
The crowd went wild.
“Little girl, where are your parents?” Mitch asked.
“I dunno,” the girl said, still coughing up water.
“Well, let’s take you up to headquarters and we’ll figure everything out.”
“Okey dokey,” the girl said, gasping for breath.
Mitch took the girl in a Baywatch truck to headquarters. Throngs of cheering people trotted behind the truck as it drove up the sand.
Out in the ocean, the riptide shook with rage. One of these days, Mitch Buchannon, it thought. One of these days you will not be so lucky and I will finally have my revenge upon the world! One of these days!
And with that, the riptide sank to the ocean floor and slept.
At lunch at Hobie’s school that day, Hobie’s friends, Joey and Wheels confronted him.
“Hey Hobe!” Joey called. “How was the big date with Sarah?”
“It was alright,” Hobie lied. He didn’t want to get into the whole thing with his friends, at least not yet.
But then, a shadow fell over the three friends. It was Tommy McGraw, the biggest kid in Hobie’s grade, and as these things usually work out, also the meanest, loudest and dumbest kid in Hobie’s grade.
“Hey Buchannon!” Tommy shouted.
“How was your
Hobie turned bright red and said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Sure you do, Buchannon. Sarah told me all about it. She left you there without saying goodbye ‘cause you’re too much of a dweeb to know what to do with a girl on a date.”
Hobie’s friends began edging towards Tommy, faces flushed with anger.
“Guys,” Hobie said. “He’s not worth it.”
“Yeah, Hobo,” snarled Tommy. “You better call off your dogs before those puppies get hurt.” Tommy flexed his muscles menacingly.
Joey and Wheels backed off, but Hobie could tell that they still wanted a piece of McGraw. It was nice having friends that would go to bat for you.
At that moment, a group of girls approached. In the lead was none other than Sarah, who upon seeing Hobie, burst into a fit of giggles. She began whispering to her friends while pointing at him.
“Subtle, she is not,” said Wheels.
Hobie had had enough. He said, loud enough for both Sarah and Tommy to hear, “I was glad she took off. It gave me a chance to hook up with C.J. Parker!”
This elicited more laughter from the girls and Tommy said, “Yeah, right!” Joey and Wheels, however, looked shocked.
“C.J. Parker?” Joey asked incredulously. “The C.J. Parker?”
Hobie smiled, “You better believe it. We ate dinner together and then we went to a party. A hippie party.”
“Woah!” Joey cried.
Wheels asked, “Did you smoke weed?”
Hobie nodded. “It was awesome,” he whispered.
Joey leaned in close and asked, “Did you get to… you know?”
Hobie smiled enigmatically. “A gentlemen does not kiss and tell,” he said.
“Since when have you been a gentleman, Hobie?” Wheels demanded. “I want details!”
“Okay, okay. We just kissed good night,” Hobie admitted.
“With tongue?” Joey asked.
“No. No tongue.”
Hobie’s friends looked disappointed.
“But she said there was more where that came from!” Hobie hastened to add. “She’s taking me to a rave on Friday. We’re gonna do ‘X’!”
“Woah,” said Wheels.
“No way!” said Joey.
“What’d I miss?” asked Snake, the fourth member of their little group of friends. Snake was always showing up late for everything.
“Hobie’s ‘in like Flynn’ with C.J. Parker!” Wheels exclaimed.
“C.J.?” Snake asked. “Isn’t she the blonde lifeguard with the pow! And the blammo?”
“That’s the one,” Joey said.
“My dad has pictures of her in his sock drawer,” Snake said thoughtfully.
“We know,” said Wheels.
Hobie was starting to regret he had said anything about it at all. C.J. had told him it had to be ‘their little secret’ or else they’d get into big trouble. None of the hippies at the party had cared that Hobie was just 15 – they thought it was, “wild, man!” – but Hobie knew if anyone at Baywatch, especially Hobie’s dad, found out, there’d be hell to pay. And if C.J. found out Hobie told his friends, she’d never forgive him, and probably never let him kiss her again.
“Uhh guys,” Hobie said, “can we please be a bit more discreet about this? I don’t want the whole school to know.”
“Sure, Hobie, sure,” Wheels said.
“Think she’ll let you touch her boobs next time? She’s got an awesome rack!” Joey proclaimed.
“Joey!” the others said in unison.
Joey wore a shocked and pained expression as his friends left him alone in the cafeteria.
“What?” he asked. “What did I say?”
Barbara called Mitch at home that evening. “Mitch! They’re setting me free tomorrow! I’d truly love to see you.”
Mitch was ecstatic, “That sounds wonderful, Barbara. Where and when should I pick you up?”
“Oh, don’t worry about it, Mitch. I’ll pick you up. Say around 8?”
Mitch couldn’t believe it. A woman picking a man up on a date? Mitch guessed that crazier things had happened but he couldn’t name one.
“Sounds good, Barbara,” he said. “I’m really looking forward to it.”
Upon being discharged from the hospital, Barbara went to meet Max at a nearby hotel room he’d reserved. She knocked on the door and heard the unmistakable sounds of someone rushing to put photos back into their sock drawer and pull up their pants. Barbara shook her head, amused.
Max opened the door and welcomed her inside, not making much of an effort to display any enthusiasm for her appearance. Barbara was used it it, however, and didn’t mind much.
“Tell me this plan again,” Max said, as Barbara took a seat on the king-sized bed.
“I take Mitch out, get him to fall in love with me, and then you and I fence the diamonds and live free and clear,” Barbara said.
“Barb, have you really thought this through?”
“Of course I have. And don’t worry, I don’t mind ‘suiting up’ again.”
“It’s not that. I’m just not clear on how we get from Mitch falling in love with you to the part where we fence the diamonds.”
Barbara paused, started to speak, thought about it, paused again, started to speak, stopped, crossed her eyes, sniffled and then collapsed on the bed. “This scheming business is hard.”
Max stroked Barbara’s hair and said, “Maybe they let you out too early. I think you might have hit your head during the crash.”
“I used to
be smart, right?”
“Yes you were, babe,” Max
said. “That’s why I kept you around.”
“What happened to me?”
“There was a plane crash….” Max rolled his eyes. “Look, here’s what we do. You get Mitch to fall in love with you and then when they raise the plane, you tell him there’s something incredibly personal and important of yours and that you need to go on the dive to recover it so that nobody else can see it.”
“What should I tell him it is?” Barbara asked.
“Well, it’s so personal, you don’t have to tell him, right?”
“But if we’re in love, then we should have no secrets.”
“But if there were no secrets, there’d be no mystery. And with no mystery, there is no romance. And without romance, can there truly be love?” Max wondered.
“I’ll just say it’s my dirty underwear.”
“Fine. Now, what time are you picking him up?”
“At eight. Oh gosh, it’s almost seven! I need to get ready!”
Hobie watched as Mitch got dressed for his date.
“Where did you meet this woman?” he asked.
“Well, okay, don’t tell anyone, but she’s a woman I rescued the other day,” Mitch admitted.
“You’re kidding! What happened to the rule against dating victims that you came up with after that actress, Candi Candello. Remember her? She tried to drown herself and you rescued her and dated her?”
“Of course I remember that, Hobie. It happened last month. But, it’s been a while since I’ve had a date with anything more interesting than your video game system, so I figured it’d be nice to get out. Besides, we had a connection.”
“You had a connection with Candi too. Look how that turned out.”
“That was
different. She was a backstabbing, scheming, manipulative
“Barbara is what?” Hobie asked.
“Well, now that you mention it, I don’t know a thing about her,” Mitch admitted. “But don’t worry. I learned my lesson. I’ll find out more about her before I let it go too far.”
“You’d better, Dad. I don’t think I can handle another fiasco like that last one.”
“Trust me,” Mitch said, as the doorbell rang. “Now go answer the door – that’s probably your new mommy.”
“What did you say?” Hobie asked incredulously.
“Huh? Nothing! Go get the door!”
Barbara lowered a strap on her dress to reveal a tantalizing sliver of cleavage. She knew that getting the date started just right was the key to her plan. The way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach, she thought, but through his zipper.
The door opened and instead of the tall, tan and buff Mitch Buchannon, she was greeted by a 15-year-old version of the man. Who the hell was this?
“Uh, hi there,” Barbara said. “I’m Barbara. Who might you be?”
“My name is Hobie. Dad didn’t tell you about me?”
Oh great, Barbara thought. A kid. A kid complicated matters immensely. It meant that Barbara had to change several factors of the plan, including finding some place to “entertain” Mitch without the kid bothering them.
“As a matter of fact, he did not,” Barbara said, readjusting her dress. “But I’m just delighted to meet you. You said your name is Hobie?”
Hobie didn’t like this woman from the start, but he had to stay on Mitch’s good side if he was going to have enough freedom to go out with C.J. again. Besides, if this Barbara woman kept Dad happy, he’d be likely to slack off on his otherwise strict parenting. He showed Mitch’s new slut into the living room.
“Dad will be down in a minute. Can I get you something to drink?” Hobie asked.
“Sure, can
you make me a
“Lady, I’m
fifteen years old. I’ve never even been to
“Of course,” Barbara laughed. “I was just kidding.”
“That’s funny stuff.”
Mitch came down the stairs to find Hobie and Barbara sitting across from each other in an awkward and uncomfortable silence.
“Ah, Barbara! You look lovely,” Mitch said. “I see you’ve met Hobie. Good! You two will be the best of friends, I’m sure.”
Hobie rolled his eyes. “Whatever, Dad.”
“You didn’t mention you had a son,” Barbara said.
“I didn’t? I’m sure I must have. He’s all I ever talk about. Isn’t that right, champ?” Mitch said, tousling Hobie’s hair.
“Whatever, Dad.”
“Ever since his mom died, Hobie’s been the center of my world.”
“Mom’s not dead, Dad. She left you when she found those pictures….”
“Kids!” Mitch laughed, guiding Barbara to the door. “Such vivid and active imaginations they have. Don’t stay up too late, son.”
The couple exited the house in a hurry, leaving behind a very bewildered and worried Hobie.
The doorbell rang again, just fifteen minutes after Mitch and Barbara left. At the door was a man in his mid-30’s, who looked to Hobie to be at least twice as cool as Matt Brodie. Hobie attached the security chain and spoke to the man through a partly opened door.
“Who are you?” asked Hobie.
“Oh, my car broke down. I was wondering if I could use your phone.”
Hobie looked around the man and saw, parked in the street, a sleek-looking black sports car with its hazards blinking and its hood raised.
“No problem,” Hobie said. “I let strangers into my house all the time. Are you kidding? This is L.A. Use your cell phone, idiot.”
“Listen, you little punk,” the man said, “my cell phone is broken. My car is broken. Let me use your phone.”
“I’ll tell you what. You just give me the number you want me to call, and I’ll go make that call for you. Tell me what you want to say.”
Exasperated, the man said, “Okay. It’s 509-555-2322. Tell them to come pick me up at your address.”
Hobie closed and locked the door and went to the phone. Halfway down the hall, he stopped.
“Wait a second,” he thought. “That’s a totally fake number.”
He returned to the door and found that the man was gone and there was no car outside. Hobie wondered what was so important inside his house that the man wanted in so badly, he’d lie about a disabled car.
Max drove off angrily. Barbara hadn’t said anything about there being a kid. It was just one more complication to add to the dozens already piled up in this whole fiasco. It was as if his plane had crashed into a living, breathing soap opera from which there was no escape. All he wanted was his damn diamonds. Was that too much to ask?
Barbara
drove them to the restaurant, a trendy new establishment on
“So, Barbara,” Mitch started. “I’m not sure I know exactly what it is that you do. You’re not an actress, are you?”
“Heaven’s no, Mitch. Whatever gave you that idea?”
“Oh, no. I was just checking.”
“No, Mitch. I run an import/export company.”
“Ahh. Very interesting….” Mitch tried to think of something else to say about it. “So….”
“We import
cheese from
“Fascinating. Simply fascinating.”
“Well, it does have its moments, to be sure. But, I’m looking to get out of it. Perhaps to sell the company. Maybe settle down with a big strong man and his son.” Barbara fluttered her eyelashes seductively.
“Barbara! Let’s not rush things!”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Mitch. I did not mean you, but now that I think about it, I see why you might have gotten that impression. I just noticed how closely you resembled the man of my dreams.”
“Oh, Barbara!” Mitch nearly swooned. “You also resemble the woman of my dreams!”
“Tell me about your dreams, Mitch,” Barbara said, taking his hands into hers.
“Well, okay. But this might sound
really weird. I'm standing in a parking lot in
“Umm. Yes,” Barbara said. A waiter hovered nervously nearby, ready to take their drink orders.
“There's this hotdog vendor and he's wearing a blonde wig and he's shouting 'Get your red hots here!' just like they do in the ballpark, but I don't know how I know that because I've never been to a ballpark. But I just know this guy works, or worked, at a ballpark. You know how in dreams you just know things?”
“Yes, Mitch. But I really think we should --”
“Wait, I'm not done yet. So I order a hotdog with everything on it and the vendor says that he only has pickles and daisies and I say that's fine. So he gives me the hotdog, but I realize I don't have any money with me. I tell him I can't pay and he says I'll just have to sing for my food. So I'm singing that John Cougar song? The one about Jack and Diane?”
“You mean, 'Jack and Diane'?”
“No, no. The other one. Whatever. I'm singing, only I can't sing too well because I’m eating, right? And the vendor’s getting really angry saying I’m cheating him out of his hard-earned food and he’s going to have me brought up on charges. So I start to run, still eating and still singing and I’m running through this field all of a sudden and I look back and I see that the entire cast of 'Family Ties' is chasing me and Michael J Fox is yelling at me that I stole his look. You remember that show?”
“Yes of course, Mitch,” Barbara said. “But I really think that we ought to order –“
“Almost done. The cast is running me down. They're everywhere and I'm running slowly, like I'm trying to run through molasses or quicksand or... or, I don't know what. You get the picture. All of a sudden, they're on top of me. Meredith Baxter Birney is pulling my hair and Justine Bateman is punching me in the kidneys. Even the baby. What was his name?”
“Andy. Played by Brian Bonsall.”
“Right. Even Brian Bonsall is biting my ankles. I can't believe it! Somehow, I fight my way to my hands and knees and I'm crawling along, dragging them behind me when suddenly there's a woman in front of me. Tall, blonde and beautiful. A vision. A savior. She waves her hands and one by one, my pursuers disappear. I stand up and take her in my arms. We kiss for a long while and then she disappears before I get a chance to ask her name or thank her.”
“That's quite a dream, Mitch.”
“I know! And all this time, I've wondered who she was.” Mitch lowered his eyes. “It wasn't until I met you that I figured it out. Barbara, you are that woman.”
“Mitch!”
“I'm serious, Barbara. I'm certain of it.”
“That's amazing.”
“I just wanted to thank you for saving me from the cast members of 'Family Ties.'“
“Think nothing of it,” Barbara said. “Now Mitch, can I tell you something?”
“Certainly, Barbara. Anything.”
“I think I'm falling in love with you, Mitch.”
“Oh, Barbara!”
The waiter had had enough. It was time for his smoke break anyway.
After dinner, Mitch and Barbara
drove to Lookout Point, a popular spot amongst young couple. There, they were
treated to a magnificent view of the City of
“Oh, Mitch. It’s so beautiful here. I could just stay here forever,” Barbara said.
“But you won’t, will you?” Mitch asked. “Now that you’re out of the hospital, you can continue your trip up to…. Where were you heading, anyway?”
“Oh, we were going to
“I might be able to help in that department, Mitch said, reaching out to her.
Barbara held back. “Mitch, there is nothing I’d like more than to kiss you right now, but I’m still really freaked out by the accident and I just don’t know if I’m thinking straight right now. I want to be sure. I’m sorry, Mitch.”
“I understand, Barbara,” Mitch said, reassuringly. “I don’t want us to rush things either. And I want you to be sure that it’s right too.”
“Perhaps we had better call it a night, Mitch.”
“Yes, perhaps we best.”
Barbara drove Mitch back to his house. The couple parted awkwardly. Mitch felt there were things unsaid and kisses unkissed and he didn’t know how much time he had left to do these things.
Hobie immediately told Mitch about the man that had come to the door.
“Well, Hobie,” Mitch said, “I’m proud of you. You acted smartly. Never let strangers into the house, especially if I’m not home.”
“I know, Dad. I’m not an idiot.”
“Nobody said you were, son.”
“No, but everyone treats me like I am. Like I don’t know what I’m doing. Just because I’m not good at surfing and I don’t get all the girls, it doesn’t make me a moron. I’m good at plenty of other things.”
“I know, Hobie.”
“Oh yeah? Name one thing I’m good at. Name one thing I like doing.”
“Well, you like your video games. I know that much.”
“Oh, alright.
Well…. Did you know that I like to knit? Or that I’m really into the history of
the
“Actually, I know plenty about